little triumphs
by sheisawhirlwind
Summary: It's all very lovely to find that you have fallen in love, but it's also the most terrifying thing to happen, ever.
1. Chapter 1

They still have their contests. One-upping the other, for just a week, a couple days - or, most likely, a single round - still holds that_ triumph_, that _winning_ feeling.

There's less "fuck everyone" attitude from her, and more confidence from him.

She starts to confide in him what's on her mind and he stops being scared of fucking _them_ up.

Later, it's not always be some all-you-can-eat competition; they might watch a movie (...under the pretense of seeing "who would fall asleep first".) The one flaw in that contest was that they'd always end up staying awake for the whole thing, curled around each other, sneaking kisses.

They might take walks at night (...to see "who would get scared first")...resulting with a couple that steadfastly held hands and whispered about the stars to each other.

Alternatively, he might tell her he had an errand to run; "sorry, I'm not going to able it today...walk home without me, I'll make it up to you!" In actuality, he'd have hidden himself along the route to her house, and as she would walk by, he'd jump out of his hiding place and tickle her until she shrieked.

("Oh my god! Kukai! You can't _sneak up_ on me like that!")

She'd punch him on the arm and growl, "you're such an annoying little_ kid!_". Then she'd storm off into the dark, and that really did scare him. But she'd come back, after he had called out after her and run around searching, she'd come back. Utau would smirk and giggle just a touch. ("Guess I won this round, kid.")

(He'd get fussy. "You could have been anywhere! Kidnapped, lost in the city - Utau, what if you'd _died?_")

She would roll her eyes at his exaggeration, but then she would see that his clothes and hair were windblown from running, and that his breathing was just a bit labored. He was still worried (and such a _drama queen_) about losing her even though she was_ right there_, and she would call him a kid again (heart thumping, because he was such a dumb kid to care about her so much). He'd say, wryly, "Thanks so much for apologizing," but smile goofily when he succeeded in tickling her again.

She would begin to wonder if he had forgotten about his own "rule of three". But, when they would be a block or so from her house, he'd lead her into a shadowed corner and declare, "You owe me a kiss now, because you called me a kid three times_ again_." She would laugh as he pouted, then kiss his pout away. She would kiss him all over: his forehead, his chin, ears, cheeks, nose - but most fervently, she'd kiss his mouth. And oh, how he would kiss her back.

•••••••••

For them, it's always a competition - in the same way that they're always a team, the way they always help each other, and, most importantly, the way they always love each other.

•••••••••

He had a wonderful dream, once, where she went home with him (Whose home? He didn't really know. Not his, not with his pesky brothers).

Yes, he had had a dream where she went home with him - like _that_, where they had kissed -

and touched -

and -

_and._

(One day, his mother notes that they've run out of tissues rather quickly. Kukai makes no comment.)

•••••••••

She had a dream like that too - and she nearly wrote it down in her dream diary. But her face turned red and she grew hot and uncomfortable just thinking about what she had dreamt. She threw her pen and diary down, and smothered herself in pillows, fuming at herself.

(She _absolutely_ didn't think of snaking her hands down where the sun doesn't shine, and her brain _absolutely_ wasn't crawling with shiny fantasies of them, together)

Next time they meet, though, she just can't help the extra bite in the kisses she gives him. She just _wants._ He looks pleasantly surprised, but when he asks her if anything was amiss, she just says that it was work. Yes, "work has just been stressful."

She keeps telling herself, _don't do anything that will scare him off._

•••••••••

You can't really call the way they settle into their own pace as_ settling_ as much as it is growing together or, well, "still figuring it out". Love is funny like that.

•••••••••

She has to leave to go on tour. The closest she'll ever be to home, to him, is on the other side of the Asian continent.

"I'm gonna miss you," he murmurs, hands on her hips, drawing circles around her pelvic bones with his thumbs.

"You're such a kid," she replies haughtily, twisting her fingers in his unruly hair. His thumb draws a heart around her pelvic bone, presses a little firmer now. _Idiot._ "You know as well as I do that we'll text or email or video chat or send goddamn _snail mail_, so there's no way we could miss each other at all, dummy."

He gives her a crooked grin,

and kisses away her disapproval that he hadn't looked on the logical, realistic side of things.

And, despite herself,

she smiles, (little by little)

and kisses him back, because -

Well, because she can.

•••••••••

Kukai kind of feels like laughing. Or throwing his fist in the air, because he had been right after all - she misses him. Of course, Kukai misses her too. So, he had been right! Which, while it was pretty good, being victoriously correct...it also _sucked._

Kukai sits on his bed, toweling his hair dry, having already propped his laptop on the bed. His girlfriend's face glares at him from the screen.

"Don't look so smug, Kukai. Just because I admitted I missed you doesn't mean I want you here!" She splutters, crossing her arms.

He smiles and thanks whatever spirit he's supposed to that she'll be home in a week, so they won't have to go without the other much longer.

He blows her a kiss. "I miss you, too, Idol-chan." Then he makes a silly face at her, but her brow is still furrowed. "What are you mad about? Europe can't be that bad." Giving up on his now soaked towel, Kukai tosses it on the floor.

She rolls her eyes. "I'm not mad. I've been to Europe before and it's not that great, either. Anyway...your shirt has a gross stain on it, and I've been trying to figure out what it is." Kukai glances at his top, spying the aforementioned stain. "Gah, you're right," he chuckles.

So he takes off his shirt, simple and easy, and searches for another.

Even grainy and washed with a weird gray film by that stupid webcam, Kukai's shirtless form is still Kukai shirtless.

Utau's eyes open wide because she's shocked, she really is (El completely took her side after the fact; Il just laughed at her) but Kukai happens to look over his shoulder at her staring (at those golden planes of a back, dear_ lord)_ and he yelps, blush starting and steadily deepening, as he quickly ducks out of the webcam's view.

There's silence on both ends. Utau feels like dying. Why did she have to stare like that?_ Oh, god. Why did you have to scare him? Say something, say something. Say anything!_

"Um," she starts. "So, um, where did that stain on your shirt come from, anyway?" _Better than nothing,_ she grimaces to herself.

"Oh, uh, yeah - I think it's from when I went out with the Guardians...I, we, we went to that old cafe. We saw Shion there, and I spilled the ketchup I was pouring...apparently on my shirt, too." He laughs nervously (hands fumbling to get his new shirt on. He's not shaking, he _swears_).

Still out of view.

"I had no idea she had come back! Our last email had been probably two months before, and she had to leave that evening..."

Utau frowns. "Have I met Shion? I don't think I remember her."

There's a pause. Kukai clears his throat. (Nope. No shakiness whatsoever.)

Still out of view.

"Shion was my childhood friend. She went to study piano in Europe a couple years ago, actually."

Well, both of them know that "childhood friend" isn't all there is to it. Kukai doesn't want to say anything. Utau isn't stupid. The silence is just short of deafening.

Still, she has to go do an interview and he has to go start his homework. They both say goodbye rather amicably, but Utau has to pretend that it's okay that at the end, he still hadn't come back into the webcam's view.


	2. Chapter 2

Goddamn. I realized yersterday how terrifyingly angsty last chapter was. This doesn't really make up for it, but I promise more is on the way. Sorry for the wait!

•••••••

Kukai is the kind of person who falls asleep quickly but can barely wake up in the morning without some outside help. (As he is a growing teenage boy, that is to be expected.)

Thus, on the Sunday after That Awful Video Chat (as he had ominously titled it) with Utau, the dreaming Kukai barely registers the sound of people running around downstairs, laughing and talking.

(This is when Yaya bulldozes past his door with her little baby hands, shrieking, "Wake up, Kukai!")

(...and well, Kukai's awake _now_.)

"Could you please explain what's going on?" Kukai asks, voice a little gravelly as it tends to be when he wakes up. He shoves his hands through his hair, attempting to make it at least somewhat neater.

Yaya makes a disappointed face at him as more of their friends - Amu, Tadase, Rima, Nagihiko - walk in. "Yaya can't believe that Kukai forgot about his _own_ birthday! It's your sweet sixteen, too," She huffs.

_Oh, right, that_. Kukai is crap with dates. (As he is a growing teenage boy, that is to be expected.)

Amu, looking somewhat bored and annoyed, adds, "We had a whole big surprise planned for you, dummy."

Kukai smiles at that. Even Amu, with her "cool n' spicy" attitude, came to wish him well.

However, the biggest surprise of the morning is when Kukai goes downstairs to find Ikuto chatting with his four older brothers in the kitchen. Ikuto should be in Europe, looking for his father! Not to mention that Kukai's brothers are _not allowed_ to talk to (and/or embarrass Kukai in front of) his friends. Sadly, this rule is one they break repeatedly, and with great pleasure. But what in the world is Ikuto doing here?

Today, Kukai thinks, is going to be an _interesting_ birthday (to say the least).

•••••••••

When Kukai announces himself - which is more like Yaya announcing she has someone else to bother - all his brothers gather round to squeeze him into a bear hug.

Kaidou gives him a noogie and teases, "Now you can drive places! I mean, not like a shorty like you could see above the wheel, but..."

Unkai and the others chuckle at this. Kukai punches Kaidou in the arm, but rolls his eyes. "You guys are just the most supportive people I've ever met," he says, grinning with amiable sarcasm. Kaidou winks at him; all of his brothers give him affectionate nudges and smart remarks as they pass the birthday boy.

Kukai walks over to Ikuto, who nods in greeting. "You didn't come back to Japan just for my birthday, right?" He asks. Kukai and Ikuto aren't particularly close, and why the older boy would traverse two continents to be at his sweet sixteen is a mystery to Kukai.

Ikuto shakes his head and chuckles. "Actually, when Amu invited me about a month ago, I wasn't planning on coming...but when I was revisiting Paris - maybe a week and a half ago? - I saw Utau, and we caught up. She misses you a lot, so I figured I'd visit Utau's special boy."

(Ikuto doesn't mention the details: Utau kept stealing glances at the couples who were putting locks on the links of the fence by the Seine, to symbolize that their love will last forever.)

Kukai's chest swells at _Utau's special boy_. "I see," he says, and grins. "That's cool."

(Ikuto notes that Utau had the same happy, fulfilled change in attitude once her boy was mentioned. He doesn't say a word.)

Kukai can hear his brothers calling for him and Ikuto to join the others for breakfast. "There are waffles, Kukai! Waffles! Don't deny any of your guests of that!" Unkai yells. The newly sixteen year old boy laughs, and yells back, "Alright, alright, we're coming!"

Before he can start moving, though, Ikuto grabs his arm. _Tightly_. And he whispers, somehow menacingly, in Kukai's ear, "The thing is, you piece of shit, that I called Utau yesterday - and I don't know what the _fuck_ you did, but you need to fix it. Or _I will end you_."

Then Kukai's arm is released; Ikuto saunters away to breakfast, and Utau's _special boy_ is left thankful he hasn't eaten yet. He feels like puking, curling up into a ball, or digging a hole to bury his head in out of shame. _Probably the puking,_ Kukai says bitterly to himself, _if you dwell on this any longer..._

•••••••••

Kukai flops onto the couch after one of the coolest birthdays ever. The day has been a whirlwind of activity. After breakfast, they had gone into the city for shopping. They visited the Royal Garden and had lunch there (thanks to Tsukasa letting Tadase have a set of keys), then, they went back to Kukai's to pack themselves a picnic dinner, and they eat it at the park (where, coincidentally, he first met Utau).

Kukai drifts into a pleasant half-sleep, sifting through the memories of the day, when Ikuto's voice cuts through his carefree haze.

_"I don't know what the _fuck_ you did, but you need to fix it."_

(He might not say it, but he misses her _so much_ right now.)

(Christ. He's such a coward. He tries to pretend that he hadn't ruined what they had; then again, he probably wasn't even worth her time.)

Too easily, too quickly, the puking feeling is back, except it's more of a general icky feeling that makes Kukai want to shake off his own skin if only to escape his stupid mistakes.

He does the next best thing and cries himself to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

I'm thankful for the views/favs/follows/reviews/everything that I've gotten. A longer chapter for y'all - but just so you know, school is a thing that takes up way too much of my time, so we'll just have to see when the next chapter is up...sorry I'm so inconsistent :/

•••••••• •••••••• •••••••• •••••••• ••••••••

"Prague - thank you so much! This show has been one of the best! You're all amazing...stay safe and good night!"

Utau waves one last goodbye to the legions of fans, who roar a hearty good night back at their idol. She's been in the business for years, but shows like this one - electric, wild, blurry yet crystal clear - never, ever get old.

Once she gets backstage, Utau gets tossed a cool towel, which she uses to wipe off the sweat dripping from her hairline. The idol nods and smiles at her bustling backstage crew, trying to acknowledge everyone's hard work. Then, she slips away to her dressing room.

Unlike the past couple days, Utau does not slump onto a couch and ache for her boy, (doesn't think about how he couldn't look her in the eyes: _stilloutofviewstilloutofviewstilloutofview_) but instead coolly cleans up her makeup and gets changed._ I am Utau Hoshina,_ she thinks to herself_, I am an idol. I am a shining star. What people think of me is not my problem. If they think I'm scary or weird they're the ones missing out. Fuck them._

_Fuck everyone._

•••••••••

While the bus speeds down another European highway, Utau sits on the couch in the lounge, listlessly running her delicate hands through her long, golden locks.

A fuzzy memory of Kukau kissing her hair and calling her Rapunzel rises out of her haze. She remembers asking him who he would be, in relation. He had laughed and replied, "Whoever you want me to be, princess." Another kiss to her forehead: "In my opinion, you never know who the _one_ is going to be."

Her heart hurts. (Even if he were a little goblin or a lizard, he'd be the_ one_ for her.)

(These little slumps, numbingly slow but so overwhelming - they get so old, so fast.)

But what about him? What did he know about the_ one_? What did he think of her?

Then her small and tender thoughts are crushed by the solid steel growing in her heart:

_What people think of me is not my problem. If they think I'm scary or weird they're the ones missing out. Fuck them._

_Fuck him._

•••••••••

It's all very lovely to find that you have fallen in love, but it's also the most terrifying thing to happen, ever.

•••••••••

Il cracks open her egg. She usually is bright and energetic at this hour, ready to pick on El or pester Utau but she can barely open her eyes.

"...El?" She croaks quietly. "Are you awake?"

El makes a small groan. "I'm so tired, Il. Wait until later, won't you?"

"But El. Why are we so tired? What was..." she yawns. "...so different about last night...than any other...night…?"

A pause. "...You're right…" El says some other things but it's almost as if her tongue is too numbed by sleep to speak. Il's brain is too blurry to comprehend anymore.

Somewhere outside the two of them hear the signature click of Sanjou's heels heading to the room where Utau and her Charas sleep. They hear voices murmuring, blending together until it's all just ambient noise swirling in their heads.

_Sleep is nice. Sleep is good._ The two Guardian Characters sink into the dreamlessness.

•••••••••

Kukai, laying on his bed listlessly, stares at his ceiling. Turning to his bedside table, he sees the framed picture of Utau and himself. He took the picture himself; his arm stretches out of the picture and the angle is awkward, but the sunshine in her hair and in her smile more than makes up for his goofy face. Kukai remembers when he first got it framed. His brothers cooed at it, giggling, but their mom cradled it in her hands and just looked at it quietly, smiling softly. Then she told him that they ought to invite her over for dinner again, so they did. Kukai never realized how nice it was to hold hands under the table before, but now he misses her hand in his like a ghost limb.

_Doesn't matter anymore. She's not even talking to me. And she shouldn't. I'm such an idiot,_ he thinks,_ I'm worthless._ From there he decides coherent thought is too much work and just thinks in _ughs._

(These little slumps, numbingly slow but so overwhelming - they get so old, so fast.)

Without him noticing, Kaidou opens up his door and leans on the doorframe, shaking his head at Kukai, unshowered and lifeless looking. "Good _god_, little brother. You're newly sixteen for three days and this is what happens? What's got you so down?"

(Kukai just groans at him.)

Kaidou snorts and says, "I'm going to sit on your feet until you sit up and talk to me, you know," and does just that. When Kukai finally sits up, he punches Kaidou in the shoulder but Kaidou just laughs and adjusts to sit next to Kukai, arm slung over his little brother's shoulder.

Kukai sighs and leans on Kaidou. "I'm just a fuck-up sometimes," he mutters. With a questioning look from his brother, Kukai explains That Awful Video Chat: "...I think she was just looking for something to make small talk out of. But then again, my shirt was dirty and I was embarrassed so I just went and got changed - "

Kaidou interrupts him. "Little brother, I know your infinite shyness and Mom's rules about girls doesn't allow you to go very far with your girl but - "

"She's not a _goal_ that I'm supposed to accomplish, alright - " Kukai almost growls.

"But you guys have been together for a long, long time and is giving her a glimpse of your deltoids that big a deal? Haven't you two been _swimming_ together before at least? This is the equivalent of you freaking out over her, like wearing shorts or something."

Kukai blushes, shakes his head and his head drops a little. (Doesn't think about her wearing that _teeny-tiny _pair of pajama shorts, hair mussed and half-asleep in his arms, during one of their scary movie "contests".)

"She's always on tour in the summer, like right now," he coughs. Shrugs. (Tries to slow his breathing down, tries to stop thinking _ImissyouImissyouIfuckedupI'msorry_)

Kaidou _hhmmphs._

Clearing his throat, Kukai continues: "Besides, I just...it's...displaying a certain kind of...oh, you know. I don't want the first time I...show her my...body...to be over video chat. I want it to be _special_. And now I'm just fucking up our whole relationship, you know? One wrong thing after another - "

"Good _god_, little brother. You know that this could all be very easily fixed if you just_ talked_ to her, right?"

Kukai _hhmmphs._ Kaidou is right, and Kukai knew that from the start - but what he felt was fear. What he's feeling at the moment still is fear. And doubt. And a voice that keeps telling him that he's a stupid, stupid _bum _who doesn't even deserve Utau -

"...well, that's actually an exaggeration. Things can't be fixed one time over with a sweet apology. You've just got to work things through with her. And I know she's not a goal to accomplish to you, and she ought not to be, but remember this, little brother: the only time you can score a goal is when you work towards it." Kaidou pats his little brother's back consolingly one last time before he leaves.

He leans on the doorway and says, quietly "Don't let this get you down."

••••••••

Sanjou looks into Utau's room. The scene looks peaceful, but Sanjou knows its not.

She knew so a couple days ago when Utau finished video chatting her boyfriend. Usually, she would be sunny and friendly, but the show that Friday seemed like the ones of an Utau of the past. Sarcastic. Distant.

Then, at least, Il and El would try to cheer her up. Now they're silently asleep in their eggs. Sanjou's glad that they don't have anything to do today, not even an interview. Utau needs her day off.

Sanjou sits by Utau, who is curled up under her covers. The calculated shuffle away makes her chuckle: does Utau really think that Sanjou can be fooled?

She gently rubs Utau's tense shoulders and begins, "I remembers what it's like to deny your heart of love. It's not quite a broken heart. In fact, I think it's worse, because over time, a broken heart heals. But if the heart denies itself, it will wither away."

(She thinks of Yuu back home. Her chest feels a little fuller.)

Utau stills and peeks out from underneath the blankets. "I'm not denying my heart," she insists. "I'm strengthening it."

"Starvation doesn't make you stronger, Utau-chan." And with that, Sanjou kisses Utau's forehead, and leaves.

•••••••• •••••••• •••••••• •••••••• ••••••••


End file.
